27th Jul 25 7:58 am
JamieDivorce can be complicated and emotionally fraught even under the best of circumstances. When you and your spouse are unable to have even the simplest of conversations because they are likely to devolve into explosive arguments, divorce becomes even more complex and challenging. A high-conflict divorce is often filled with many negative interactions and experiences, and frequently, your marriage dynamics were made up of coercive or controlling behavior from one or both of you. These dynamics often persist into the divorce process, causing you to continue to argue, battling over everything from property division to child custody. These dynamics can be exhausting and extend the divorce process much longer than a typical divorce. At Colorado Divorce Law Group, our experienced divorce attorneys may be able to assist you in resolving your contentious divorce. Call (720) 593-6442 to schedule a free appointment and discuss your legal obligations and rights as you go through the process of separating your life from your spouse’s, so you can both be free.
The divorce process in Colorado is relatively straightforward. According to the Colorado Judicial Branch, at least one spouse must live in Colorado for at least 91 days before filing for divorce. If they have children, the residency requirement is extended to 182 days. Once the residency requirement is met, a Petition for Divorce or Legal Separation is filed in the county in which the spouse lives. This petition can be filed jointly or separately. The individual filing the petition will need to pay a filing fee of $260 (current fee according to the Colorado Courts as of January 1, 2025) or find out if they qualify to have the fee waived.
Once the petition is filed, the petitioner (the spouse who filed it) must serve the other spouse, unless the couple filed jointly. Then, the petitioner must file a return of service. If the couple filed jointly, a waiver of service must be filed instead. The responding spouse (respondent) then has 21 days to file a response (35 days if they were served outside of Colorado) and pay a filing fee of $146 for that response. After the response has been filed, the parties will receive a Case Management Order with instructions on the next steps, including the Initial Status Conference. If the couple filed jointly, there is no requirement to file a response and a 91-day waiting period applies from the date the petition is filed before the divorce issues a final divorce decree. If the couple did not file jointly, the divorce process can take an average of six to nine months, although this can vary depending on the couple’s ability to agree on any unresolved issues. However, a high-conflict divorce often takes significantly longer.
A high-conflict divorce has intense, ongoing conflict between the spouses. This conflict creates emotional distress for both spouses and harms their children, as well as causes numerous lengthy legal battles. Communication is severely impaired or completely breaks down, causing misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and escalating conflict as the couple has highly contentious disagreements over assets, alimony, and child support, and struggles to co-parent effectively.
This differs from a typical divorce in terms of the intensity and duration of the conflict, the involvement of children in the conflict, and the potential long-term emotional and psychological harm that can be caused. While many couples may have conflict during their divorce, most seek to find compromises and resolutions that work for both spouses, seek to protect their children from those conflicts, and often agree to prioritize their children to avoid any unnecessary mental or emotional trauma. Additionally, a high-conflict divorce is more likely to occur when one or both spouses have high-conflict personalities, such as those who have narcissism or borderline personality disorder; however, a diagnosis or suspicion of a personality or mental health disorder is not required for a divorce to be considered high-conflict.
When individuals find themselves embroiled in a high-conflict divorce, they may initially feel like the situation is out of their control. They may be overwhelmed by animosity from their spouse, confused by the court process, and uncertain how to get what they need from the divorce, as well as protect their children. Fortunately, this feeling of lost control does not have to last. Individuals can employ several strategies to help regain a sense of control, protect themselves and their children, and reduce some of the conflict in their divorce.
Most people hope to get their divorce finalized as quickly as possible. However, in a high-conflict divorce, it is unlikely that the divorce will proceed quickly. Instead, individuals should set realistic expectations. They may start by acknowledging that their divorce will be challenging and take time. They should be prepared for setbacks, including times when their spouse agrees to something and then changes their mind.
One of the best ways an individual can set realistic expectations is to focus on what they can control. By focusing on what they cannot control, individuals are likely to intensify their feelings of lack of control and frustration, among other negative emotions. Instead, if they focus on the things within their control, they give themselves a sense of control over their divorce and make it easier to deal with the things they cannot control.
While hiring a divorce attorney from Colorado Divorce Law Group is often recommended as part of getting divorced, those involved in a high-conflict divorce may consider hiring additional divorce professionals for support. These professionals can include therapists, forensic accountants, and others. A skilled attorney may be able to recommend other professionals to act as expert witnesses in a high-conflict divorce.
Additionally, individuals in high-conflict divorces may also want to consider mediation. The inclusion of an unbiased third party can help calm emotions and help divorcing couples find common ground, allowing them to agree on matters instead of continuing to argue over them. While Colorado does not necessarily require mediation, the Colorado Courts offer information on what mediation is and how individuals can prepare for it.
A hallmark of high-conflict divorce is a communication breakdown; therefore, consciously engaging in effective communication can help reduce conflict and make the divorce process smoother. The first step is to limit communication. This can include not speaking to the individual’s spouse unless there is a specific reason, and ending discussions if they stray away from that reason or become too heated.
Calm and direct communication is also essential for effective communication. Individuals should give themselves time to allow high emotions to settle and plan what they want to say to their spouse, so they can be calm, direct, and potentially avoid confrontation. Engaging in the practice of active listening can also help reduce conflict, as it allows people to understand what is being communicated, even when the words are not precisely the right ones. Finally, individuals should document everything as thoroughly as possible to avoid “he said, she said” disputes.
After years or even decades of sharing every aspect of their lives with their spouse, many people find it difficult to simply stop. However, this is key in any divorce, and is paramount in a high-conflict divorce. Sharing too much information or allowing a spouse too much access can increase conflict. Instead, individuals should establish boundaries. These boundaries may include not responding to phone calls or texts during specific hours, not discussing certain aspects of the individual’s life (such as whether they are dating or their mental or physical health), limiting physical contact, establishing separate living spaces, and any other boundaries the spouses feel are necessary to protect their own emotional and mental well-being. Additionally, individuals should consider what boundaries may be required to protect their children from the intense conflict and implement those as well.
The intensity of a high-conflict divorce can be emotionally taxing, and the duration can make individuals feel as though it may never end, increasing their emotional and mental exhaustion even more. Feeling alone will exacerbate these feelings even more. Individuals should build a support network of people and resources that can help them feel supported, nurtured, and loved. This network may include therapists or counselors, family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others whom the individual knows and trusts. The network may also include resources such as a gym membership (to reduce stress through exercise), divorce support groups, creative outlets like art or music activities, relaxation techniques, and consistent routines to give their life structure and familiarity.
While individuals need to employ strategies to protect themselves during a high-conflict divorce, they must also find strategies to protect their children. This is essential for protecting the children’s well-being. This is also vital to ensuring that the court recognizes the parent’s actions to protect their children, particularly if the other parent is shown to have actively tried to involve the children in the conflict between the parents. There are several strategies a parent can use to try to protect their children.
One parent may try to bait the other into an argument in front of the children, or to pull the children into the argument with questions like, “Did your mother tell you to say that?” or “Didn’t your father say he was going to do this?” Parents can protect their children by keeping conflicts and attempts to pull the children into conflicts away. This may mean ignoring what the other parent is saying because the children are present, taking the children and leaving a location when the other parent tries to start an argument, or asking a third party to be present during interactions so they can take the children away while the parents interact.
A child’s emotional and psychological needs should be of utmost importance to their parents. Parents should check in with their children regularly to see how they are feeling. If the children do not seem open to talking to their parents, having them meet with a therapist may be helpful. A therapist can help ensure that the children have healthy coping mechanisms and feel comfortable speaking freely about their fears, concerns, frustrations, and other matters on their minds. Additionally, hiring a therapist for the children can show the court that the parent is actively taking steps to protect their children’s mental health and well-being and trying to reduce the amount of trauma the children may experience as a result of the high-conflict divorce.
An individual’s spouse may be doing everything wrong and trying to alienate the children from them. Still, it is essential that the children not hear anything negative about the other parent. Parents should not speak negatively about the other parent to their children or to others when the children might overhear. While it is understood that individuals in a high-conflict divorce will likely feel the urge to vent their frustrations and feelings, they should take extreme care to make sure their children are not present when they do so.
While parents should not speak disparagingly about each other to their children, nor should they express their doubts or fears to them, they should encourage the children to feel comfortable talking openly. Children should be encouraged to express any worries, concerns, doubts, frustrations, or questions they have about the divorce or either parent. If they express negative feelings about the parent they are speaking to, the parent can help the child explore those feelings and work to change them. If the children express negative feelings about the other parent, the parent they are speaking to should not confirm those feelings or try to change the child’s feelings. Instead, the parent should try to remain neutral and simply listen to what the child says.
Like their parents, children should be encouraged to have a support network and healthy coping mechanisms. Children should be encouraged to maintain relationships with their family and friends, even if the divorce has resulted in a move. They should be encouraged to maintain relationships with both parents and their families, in particular.
Children should also be encouraged to use writing, art, or music as creative outlets for expressing their feelings. Parents may want to enroll their children in after-school sports or take them to the park regularly so that they can release pent-up energy and stress. Relaxation techniques such as mindfulness and deep breathing can help children control anxiety. A therapist may also provide additional coping mechanisms unique to the needs of each child.
Most people want what is best for themselves and their children during a divorce. Unfortunately, the intensity of conflict in a high-conflict divorce can cause people to forget that and even to pull their children into the conflicts between their parents. An experienced divorce attorney at Colorado Divorce Law Group may be able to assist you by helping you fill out, file, and serve a petition for divorce and referring you to appropriate professionals such as mediators, therapists, or other divorce experts. We may also be able to represent you in court, fighting for your and your children’s best interests. Call (720) 593-6442 to schedule a free appointment and discuss your legal obligations and rights during a contentious divorce.
